Dear [ ] sir [ ] clueless one [ ] twit [ ] great man on campus [ ] madam [ ] dweeb [ ] asshole [ ] comrade [ ] Elvis [ ] moon beam [ ] boor [ ] Obergruppenfuehrer [ ] citoyen [ ] grad student [ ] cur [ ] jerk [ ] nitwit [ ] nerd [ ] hosehead [ ] ignorant fool [ ] moron [ ] sports fan [ ] gimp [ ] helpless idiot [ ] cave newt [ ] Limbaughite [ ] punk [ ] monkey boy [ ] "Me too" er [ ] pervert [ ] CS'er [ ] con artist [ ] freak [ ] scammer [ ] spammer [ ] cryogenic [ ] Fed [ ] Scientologist [ ] Win95 user [ ] monkey spank [ ] liar [ ] coward [ ] bed-wetter [ ] dopehead [ ] fake Santa [ ] "it" [ ] WebTVer [ ] fake reaper [ ] handjobber [ ] loony tune [ ] underage [ ] puppet [ ] lackey [ ] false patriot [ ] potty mouth [ ] painted Jezebel [ ] AOL twerp [ ] MSN twerp [ ] luser [ ] troll [ ] racist jerk [ ] newbie [ ] pre-teen [ ] fuckwit [ ] lamer [ ] VMS user [ ] 'leet bozo [ ] pirate [ ] "expert" [ ] apologist [ ] Satanist [ ] hypocrite [ ] revisionist [ ] script kiddy [ ] slut [ ] hunk o' detritus [ ] self-righteous putz [ ] Bill Gates believer [ ] droid from Microsoft [ ] man with CAPS LOCK key forever depressed [ ] waste of skin and air [ ] mind-numbingly incompetent [ ] obsessed fundamentalist [ ] religious atheist [ ] evolutionary dead end [ ] two fries short of a happy meal I took exception to your recent ___ post(s) to _______________. ___ "news" article. ___ email. It was: ___ Dim. ___ Lame. ___ Stupid. ___ Arrogant. ___ Cowardly. ___ Pointless. ___ Nauseating. ___ Hypocritical. ___ Brain-damaged. ___ Poorly executed. ___ An amazing display of ignorance. ___ Proof that not all same size bit collections contain the same amount of information. ___ Much longer than warranted by the facts and reasoning it contained. ___ A senseless continuation of a boring and useless off-topic thread. ___ And you repeatedly initiated incoherent, flaky, and mindless threads. ___ A request for an article which was posted at least three times in the past week alone. ___ A "test" that wasted everyone's bandwidth, storage and time. If you feel the need to "test" your software at least include something of value. ___ A blatant and obvious troll. ___ Low-IQ flamebait. Your attention is drawn to the fact that: ___ What you said/posted has been said/posted before. ___ Many times. ___ It was done better the last time. ___ Your post/letter was a pathetic imitation of _______________. ___ Your post was an obvious forgery. ___ And it was done clumsily. ___ Very. ___ You spammed. ___ And left your header intact. ___ You defended someone who spammed. ___ You likely violated the Terms of Service of your ISP ___ And you have been, accordingly, reported to them. ___ You seem to have confused 'post' with 'e-mail.' ___ Your post/letter contained numerous spelling errors. ___ Your post/letter contained multiple grammatical errors. ___ You seem to be unfamiliar with the concept of the paragraph. ___ YOUR POST CONTAINED EXCESSIVE CAPITALIZATION AND/OR PUNCTUATION!!!!! ___ And you don't own a TRS-80. ___ your post contained no capitalization. ___ Your post contained no punctuation marks ___ Yourp ost seems tohave beenmadeo na keyboard with a semifunctional spacebar. ___ Your post contained cracker language. (d00dz, warez, 3733+3, etc) ___ Your post contained "cute" misspellings. (luvz, everybudy, etc) ___ Your post contained stupid misspellings. (Things we know when we're 2.) ___ Your post demonstrated that you have the vocabulary and intelligence of your average rock. ___ You apparently don't know how to read the newsgroups line. ___ You quoted an article/letter in followup and added no new text. ___ You quoted ___ lines of article/letter in followup and only added ___ lines of new text. ___ You quoted an article in followup and only added the line "Me, too!!!" ___ You quoted no article in followup, leaving the rest of us to read the References: header. ___ You quoted out of context in an attempt to twist meanings or intentions. ___ You didn't fool anyone (no one that matters, anyway). ___ You plagiarized the thoughts and/or words of another. ___ They said it better. ___ They said it more succinctly. ___ They were considerably more intelligent than you. ___ You predicted the "Imminent Death of the Net[tm]". ___ You advocated net.censorship. ___ You asked for replies via email because you "don't read this group." ___ You flamed someone who was making far more sense than you did. ___ You flamed someone who is far more witty than you. ___ You seem to have flamed someone because you are humor impaired. ___ You have repeatedly shown lack of humor. ___ You apparently cannot recognize sarcasm. ___ You are apparently unfamiliar with the concept of irony. ___ You screwed up and blamed someone else. ___ You have demonstrated that you have no clue as to the purpose of this group. ___ You posted a piece riddled with profanities. ___ You posted some sort of crap that doesn't belong in this group. ___ You posted an inanely stupid (and illegal) 'Make Money Fast' article. ___ You threatened others with physical harm. ___ You made a bigoted statement(s). ___ You self-righteously impose your religious beliefs on others. ___ You self-righteously impose your racial beliefs on others. ___ You repeatedly assumed unwarranted moral or intellectual superiority. ___ You are under the misapprehension that this group is your preserve. ___ You are apparently under compulsion to post to every threat. ___ You are acting like a slut. ___ You posted to ten or more groups. ___ You piss me off. ___ You are the reason some newsgroups are moderated. ___ You posted a phone sex ad. ___ You posted in HTML. ___ You actually believe Windows 95 to be a good operating system. ___ You actually bought and use a WebTV. ___ And you don't see anything wrong with that. ___ You don't see anything wrong with posting from AOL. ___ You claimed spam was legal, even though nobody claimed it wasn't. ___ You used the phrase "Information Superhighway." ___ You posted a "YOU ALL SUCK" message. ___ You made a blanket statement without backing it up. ___ You posted binaries to a non-binary group. ___ You posted binaries in pieces LESS than 5000 lines. ___ You cancelbombed a newsgroup. ___ You posted a "FAQ" that contains deliberately misleading information. ___ You brag about things that never happened. ___ You're so uniquely lost you need a GPS, map, compass, and explicit instructions to get home. ___ You reek of someone who learned all he knows about computers from "Quick Study" home videos. ___ You whine like a toddler. ___ You make *NO* sense. ___ You didn't back up anything you said. ___ You are posting an anonymous attack. ___ You have a lame login name. ___ Your machine has a stupid name. ___ Your lines are over 75 columns wide. ___ You referred to the Usenet Cabal. (There is no Cabal.) ___ You attempted a deliberate invocation of Godwin's Law. ___ Your .sig is absurdly long. ___ And your newsreader truncated it. ___ Your .sig shows you to be a novice or ___ anally retentive because (check all that apply): ___ You listed ___ snail mail address(es). ___ You included a full nine-digit ZIP code for each. ___ You listed ___ phone numbers for people to use in prank calls. ___ You included a worthless pseudo-legalistic disclaimer. ___ Your pathetic attempt at being witty in the disclaimer failed. ___ Miserably. ___ You included (Mark all that apply): ___ A stupid self-quote. ___ A quote from someone with even less wit than you've shown. ___ A Rush Limbaugh quote. ___ Apparently because you find him intelligent. ___ A quote from a net.nobody. ___ a reference to Beavis & Butthead. ___ Apparently because they're your source of inspiration. ___ A Dan Quayle joke. ___ A Dan Quayle quote. ___ Apparently because you thought it was a wise saying. ___ Overly common ASCII graphic(s) (Choose all that apply): ___ USS Enterprise. ___ Bicycle. ___ Bart Simpson. ___ Large Bat. ___ Kilroy. ___ The company logo. ___ And you've already stated that you don't speak for your company. ___ That you did not create yourself. Furthermore: ___ You have greatly misunderstood the purpose of _______________. ___ You have greatly misunderstood the purpose of e-mail. ___ You have greatly misunderstood the purpose of the net. ___ You suck. ___ You are a loser. ___ You are a complete fool. ___ You must have spent your entire life in a Skinner box to be this clueless. ___ You have a direct genetic link to: ___ Sanford Wallace. ___ Ricardo Gonzales. ___ ImpLAnt. ___ Steven R. Winter. ___ Phil Lawlor. ___ John Grubor. ___ Walter Rines. ___ Zach Everett. ___ Steven Boursy. ___ Jeffery D. Hunt ___ You need to seek psychiatric help. ___ You didn't do anything specific, but appear to be so generally worthless that you're being flamed on general principles. ___ This has been pointed out to you before. It is recommended that you (Mark all that apply): ___ Stick to Prodigy/AOL and come back when you've grown up. ___ Find a volcano and take up lava diving. ___ Abstain from sex for a month (a month when you *could* get some...) ___ Go get firsthand experience at *something*. ___ Give up your account, and don't bother applying for a new one when this one is pulled. ___ Actually post something relevant. ___ Win this year's Darwin Award. ___ Take your gibberish somewhere else. ___ Act something remotely close to your age. ___ Get stuffed. ___ Eat dirt. ___ Grab a clue. ___ Lick a belt sander. ___ RTFM. ___ Get used to living in my killfile. ___ Realize that you haven't got a clue as to the purpose of this group. ___ Be Bill Clinton's love slave. ___ Eat your modem. ___ Take a shower while holding your monitor. ___ Hang yourself with some SCSI cables. ___ Ask your doctor to increase the dosages of your drugs. ___ Trade in your Mac for a nice calculator. ___ Get off the Net and go back to your Genesis. ___ Watch 25 episodes of Beverly Hills 90210. ___ Send me all your worldly goods and go become a monk. ___ Stop reading ____________ and get a life. ___ Stop sending email and get a life. ___ Eat dye and shit colours.